Diary of the Knight:s
by chiefhow
Summary: In a whirlwind of historical inaccuracy, the Knights start a diary. Will Lancelot outfox Tristan? Will Bors marry Vanora? Will Vanora finally come to her senses and kill them all? The answers to all of these questions lie here...please R&R!
1. Yey for Optimism!

**I really shouldn't be starting another story but…I was really bored. This isn't always a good time to start a story, as most ideas will be really random. Alas, my muse refuses to croak. So, I give you…**

_**Diary of the Knight(s)**_

_**Lancelot **_

_We're all going to die. _

_While this may sound a bit melodramatic (but wait, melodrama hasn't been invented yet…fuck…but wait, neither has that…) it is quite accurate. As I sit here, bouncing along on my trustworthy steed, I feel like whacking Arthur over the head. He definitely deserves it. I happen to like being alive. He apparently has a death wish. _

_Idiot._

_I suppose that isn't strictly true. Arthur is very competent in many areas in life, such as dancing, floral arrangement, tomfoolery, and the man makes a mean pancake. He isn't the greatest commander, however. All the pancakes in the world simply cannot redeem that fact. The other day, when the funny looking blue people attacked, he actually wrung his moisturized hands and did nothing but whimper. Tristan's hawk led the charge instead, and as much as I hate to admit it, the bird is more helpful than our brave and fearless leader. Don't tell Tristan. The man would gloat about it for days._

_Not that Tristan actually gloats verbally. No, Tristan lacks social skills, unlike yours truly. He generally sends one gloating looks instead, which are oftentimes worse. When I snap and yell at him at such times, mothers grab their children in fear, trying to shield their eyes from the unstable individual (me, apparently) I really think Tristan enjoys such spectacles. As long as he appears to be the voice of reason, he remains smug. I will wipe that smug look off his face one day. It is simply a matter of planning. I really am quite clever when I set my mind to it._

_So clever, in fact, that I have started this diary. Now, you may say "but wait, this isn't historically accurate, the knights wouldn't have been able to write!" I say bully to you. I can write what I want. So there._

_Anyway, I fully intend to give you (my fabulous readers) a detailed account of my adventures. I'm sure you will all be riveted by my stunning prose, my rapier wit, my charming cynicism…oh, the list goes on and on. What more could you be looking for in a diary? Well, I suppose I could throw in a few liaisons along the way…wouldn't want to disappoint my adoring public._

_**You really are an idiot, aren't you, Lancelot?**_

_What is this? This is my diary! Mine! Not yours, Bors! Ooooo…that rhymes!_

_**Oh, shut up. Please. Before you embarrass yourself.**_

What is wrong with you, Bors? Honestly, how would I embarrass myself? You are simply jealous, that's it! You're just jealous that Vanora is my sweetiebum!

**Sweetiebum? What? Just remember what happened last time you called her that…she decked you.**

She was confused. She thought I was you.

**Right.**

You know, Bors, you're behaving in a most "un-Bors-like" manner. Your grammar really isn't all that bad.

**I use spell-check.**

That's cheating!

**Is not.**

Is too!

**Do you really want to have this argument in our diary?**

"Our" diary? No. It's MY diary. Mine! Mine! Mine!

**Why should you have all the fun?**

None of you lot would have anything interesting to add! Everyone knows that I am the only knight worth hearing about! They don't want to hear about how little you have to handle "down there"

**OUR Diary it shall be. Or I'll sick Vanora on you.**

You must resort to threats to get your way? That's low. Low. I'm going to tell her you're invoking her name in vain again!

**You thought my threat was bad? **

Actually, yes, I did.

**You're right, it was. So, We will all be entertaining you, with tales of our grand adventures. If, however, this diary falls into the wrong hands- which I'm sure it will, given Lancelot's first statement- then I hope you put this to good use. Read it at a party, after sex, at the latrine. We all know how important a good story is, and with a storyteller like me, well, this one is really important.**

Are you feeling sentimental, Bors? I think you are. Guess what else I think?

**I will not dignify that question with a response.**

Ah, but you did. Anyway…I think Bors has been getting in touch with his feminine side.

**What feminine side? Aren't you talking about Arthur?**

There's something in the air. The other day, I saw Galahad frolicking among the wildflowers.

**He always does that.**

Bad example. Here's another one. I can actually tell the natural shade of Gawain's hair. That means he must have bathed at some point. Talk about creepy. I bathe occasionally, as my "social agenda" demands it, but Gawain really has no need to bathe. I take care of all of the serving wenches just fine on my own. They don't need him.

**Well, on the bright side, we're all going to die soon anyway, so this behavior won't really matter in the long run.**

That's what I like about you Bors. Your never failing optimism. Please excuse me while I go hit my head against that tree…

**Waiting…Waiting…I suppose I should get this in now while he's away. Lancelot wears women's undergarments…you didn't hear it from me!**

…And that tree looks like fun too…I'm back now.

**They can all read that, you prat.**

But Bors, the word "prat" hasn't even been invented yet.

**Hold your tongue, you smarmy bastard. Didn't your mother teach you manners?**

No.

**I pray for her everyday. Hoping that somehow, she has overcome the sight of your great ugliness, which I am forced to look upon even now.**

Now I know you're jealous.

**How is it in dreamland, my boy?**

It's quite nice, actually. How is it on that ass you're riding?

**Insults to Vanora I will tolerate. Insults to my horse are another matter. Prepare to die, Lancelot. Do you have any last words?**

Many. But you can hear them latter. Right now, Woads are going to shoot us all.

**They could have picked a better time.**

Complain to them. I'm but the humble messenger.

**HUMBLE? I cannot believe you used that word in reference to yourself.**

If it is a comfort to you, Bors, you will die in perfect grammar.

**Wish I could say the same for you. That last sentence was pathetic. "In" perfect grammar? What is that?**

**If people could provide me with a list of era appropriate curses, that would be most helpful. Otherwise, I will simply have to make do with what I have. Review, and let me know what you think.**


	2. Typical Teenage Rebellion

**Okay, I had fun with the last chapter, and no one has taken me to task for all of the terrible historical inaccuracies. I feel loved. So, to commemorate this great day, I have written another chapter, full of Era inappropriate language. I have never been more proud. Thank you's are at the end.

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**

_**Diary of the Knight(s)**_

_**Galahad**_

_I hate this fucking island. Seriously. I'm going insane. I hate all the people around me. All of them._

_Hundreds of years into the future, psychologists would say that I am the typical rebellious teenager, have issues with authority figures, or to sum it all up, I generally hate the world. Unfortunately, we are not hundreds of years into the future, and I am stuck pretending to love my life. Honestly, I go about singing all over the place, trying to retain my sanity. All of the other knights think I have a rather feminine disposition. They're all idiots. Just the other day, after one of my numerous liaisons with Lancelot's favorite barmaid, he caught me and asked me what I was doing. I told him I had been frolicking through the wild flowers and he believed me. (!) I mean, what the fuck is that? Do I look like the kind of guy who goes frolicking through the WILDFLOWERS? NO. I look like the kind of guy who pokes people with swords. You know, all that manly bullshit. My fellow knights refuse to see this, though. Alas, I am relegated to listening to their stupid jokes about my lack of prowess in bed. Perhaps they should come and see for themselves…I'd show them a good time. Actually, I prefer women. See, I don't mind when they go frolicking through the wildflowers. That's fine. _

_Poor, poor Vanora. I don't know how the woman does it. I would have thought she would have been crushed by now…unless she takes top at all times. I could take that. Vanora seems to be an authorative woman. Bors really shouldn't moo. It's most unattractive._

_Now some stupid blue people are trying to shoot us again. YOU'RE WHITE! NOT BLUE! DEAL WITH IT PUNKS! I really don't know what their problem is. I mean, yeah, the Romans have taken their land and enslaved its people, but who really cares about such minor details? They're alive, aren't they? They get to scurry about their beloved forests, don't they? So what is their problem? Not to mention, they've got quite a few mighty fine chicks walking around. They have nothing to complain about. NOTHING! I, on the other hand, have everything to complain about. They're trying to kill me! I mean, temper, temper._

**Don't take it so personally, Galahad. Deep down, they love you. This is the only way they know to express their deep affection for you.**

_That is the biggest load of shit I have ever heard, Gawain! If that's true then I have quite deep affections for you as well._

**You always say the sweetest things, my dear. LOL!**

_You know, Lancelot may have an idea with that whole tree thing. I think I'll try it._

**Galahad will be right back. He's getting in touch with his inner woman. I wish I could be more like him. So sensitive to others' needs, a shy disposition, a soothing voice, a virginal heart…(sigh) Galahad is the ideal man. **

_Gawain, did I tell you?_

**Tell me what?**

_The Blue demons have left! We're safe! Yippee yiy yay! Isn't life swell?_

**Indeed it is, my good fellow! Onward, to our next adventure!**

_Good. He's gone. Fuckhead. It's sickening. Back to me…_

Oh, no you don't. They all want to hear about me! You want to know why, Galahad of the "Virginal Heart"?

_No, Lancelot, I really don't._

Yes you do. Anyway, it's because I'm a sexy beast.

_Like the animal you're riding on?_

I had no idea you felt that way about Fernando. Well, best of luck to the both of you.

_I hate you._

I know, isn't life swell?

_Shut up!_

Make me.

(SCUFFLE SCUFFLE SCUFFLE)

I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON! I WON!

(Pause)

Well, that's not fun anymore, Galahad' s run off. Loser.

**HUMPH.**

Dagonet, I know words are hard for you, but you really have to articulate here. No one knows what you're saying.

**MOIOJOJOJ**

What's that? You want me to translate for you? Alright, let's see how it goes.

He says " LANCELOT IS BY FAR THE MOST SENSUAL AND VIVACIOUS MAN I HAVE EVER MET. OFTEN TIMES I AM FORCED TO RESTRAIN MYSELF FROM SINKING MY TEETH INTO HIS UNDENIABLY EXCELLENT ASS." Is that right, Dagonet?

**No.**

You can talk? You can use actual words? Why wasn't I informed of this?

**Because you don't listen. Those ears are on you head for a reason, though they seem to be wasted on you…**

Was that supposed to be an insult?

**Yes.**

Then we'll add that to the list…CANNOT DELIVER ANY SEMBLENCE OF INSULT…

**I'm leaving now.**

Good riddance. Tee Hee Hee! My heinous plot is working! Now no one wants to commandeer my diary! Yes! It's MINE! ALL MINE! And there's nothing those pansies can do about it… 

(SCUFFLE SCUFFLE SCUFFLE)

Ha. Ha. Ha. I rather like this. I think I'll do it again. Muh. Hah. Hah. It is rather satisfying to laugh menacingly. I do enjoy my work. Now, I can give you what you've all been waiting for. Yes. My story. Mine. Tristan. And of course, my hawk gets to contribute as well. You really didn't need to read what anyone else has written, because they're all idiots. I am the only one worth bothering with. And besides, I have a hawk. Beat that. Can't can you? I think I will allow myself one more. Muh. Hah. Hah. Hah. I bet you noticed I added an extra "Hah" you're probably wondering what the significance of this extra "Hah" is. Well, there isn't any. Significance, that is. I did it because I wanted to. I am so mischievous sometimes, I frighten even myself.

_**PECK!**_

That was my Hawk. Isn't she smart? We have long chats about squirrels…and dirt. I honestly don't know why more people don't talk to animals. We have so much to learn from them. I have never met a better sensei than my hawk. She tells me of the blue people. They stopped by for a chat just now, and didn't even stay for tea. Bastards. No respect.

I will now give you my analysis of my "fellow" knights. (as if they are **actually** my fellows…puh lease!)

Arthur- A bit of a fruit. Not that I don't like fruit, I mean, where would we all be without apples, say, but it's a bit weird when my Hawk must take over command. Yeah. Weird.

Dagonet- I fear he may be the only sane one of the bunch. He could always prove me wrong, however.

Gawain- Like a fucking camp counselor. If they existed in this time and place. Which they don't. Always telling me to let out my feelings…I'll let out my feelings all right…when I hold him underwater for over six minutes.

Galahad- Typical rebellious teenager with a real problem with authority figures, or to sum it all up, he generally hates the world. I have no idea where that came from. I used to think he was a rather charmingly naïve bloke, but whatever.

Lancelot- I suppose I was a bit rash in calling Arthur a fruit. I'm running out of ways to describe my "fellows." He wants my body, and it's freakin' me out. Right out.

Bors- He likes to moo. That is all I can think of to describe this pathetic life form. Well, Vanora has nice tits.

My wonderful stupendous beautiful wise spiritual sensational precious and fantastic (oh, and beloved) HAWK (who shall remain nameless)- I can think of know words to adequately describe the beauty of her wings as she flies over Lancelot, dropping him a present. I can think of no poetry to fully paint the magnificence of her awe-inspiring presence. I bow to you, my lady. I bow.

Tristan just chucked this book at me. 

Idiot.

I hate him.

I really do.

You know what I hate more? Stupid fucking Assistants to Bishops. I think I'll kill him now. Good bye. Wish me luck. I shall return…I can't think of any other way to best describe my plan…why don't I demonstrate…

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**Please review! Please? **

**Fiji-mermaid- **You should probably study for your exams, but I must say I'm flattered! Thanks!

**Quinn-FanFicAddict**- That is so cool…you're Swedish! Woo Hoo for Sweden! Thanks for reviewing!

**Wange**- I always thought there was more to Tristan's Hawk than meets the eye.

**Lembaspot**- Don't worry…Arthur will get his say…won't that be fun?

**Mustang Gal**- Hey! It's great to hear from you again! The other knights will all have the limelight from time to time…

**MonDieu666**- Thanks!

**Starless-night**- I'm glad you enjoyed it!

**Lady Bush**- I love Bors! I was thinking about doing a Bors/Vanora fic, but I don't think anyone would be interested.


	3. The War of the Spatulas

**This will be an opportunity to explore Arthur's love of Drama. I had so much fun writing this. (evil laugh here) Please review! I'll love you forever!**

_**Diary of the Knight(s)**_

Arthur 

Lancelot asked me while I was fixing pancakes this morning if I would do him a favor. As I was preoccupied with the batter's thickness, I agreed before actually thinking about it. This was obviously a mistake. One should never agree to anything Lancelot says without a fight. Too often, things are never the same after, and rarely in a good way. So, here I sit, trying to pretend that I am millions of miles away and completely unaware of what Lancelot and his minions are planning. A promise is a promise, after all.

_Lancelot asked me to provide commentary throughout what promises to be a rather creative attack on the Bishop's assistant. Horton, I think his name is. You know, like "Horton hatches the egg" by Dr. Seuss, which hasn't actually been written yet. Go figure. _

_The bastards stole all of my spatulas. They will pay with their lives. I had to special order those from Rome! No one here knows how to make a decent spatula, and they had to steal all of mine! Come on, people! Show some respect!_

_I'll never get them back in any sort of working condition. Grr…_

HUMPH 

Ah, Dagonet has decided not to participate. Good man.

_**(Says nothing)**_

(Shakes head) Anyway, I think Horton is about to get quite a surprise. Poor bugger.

_Ah, well, the games have begun. Horton appears to be unaware of the horrors in store for him as he slumbers gently, a leaf stuck innocently in his beardish thing. Alas, his pleasant dreams of many virgins and sighs are about to be rudely interrupted by a bunch of knights badly disguised as shrubbery. Really, does Lancelot believe he's fooling anyone? Holding a branch over ones face does not generally constitute as a disguise. It couldn't possibly hide that huge head of his._

_I heard that._

_Lancelot, you're ruining my narration. Will you let me tell the story now?_

_As long as you leave my gorgeous head out of it, you may proceed._

_Well, now that I have your permission…moving on. Yes, Lancelot-whose-overlarge-head-shall-not be-mentioned has gathered his troops. They sneak up on the uninformed member of the clergy…going to have to say a lot of Hail Mary's to make up for being an accessory here…but that's beside the point. Bors, that's rather undignified, what would Vanora say? Agh. Anyway, the troops are armed with their weapon of choice, but certainly not mine. BECAUSE THEY'RE MINE YOU FOOLS!_

_**Chill.**_

He speaks! Anyway, to get back to my commentary…Bors, being the oaf that he is has stepped on a twig. Horton's delicate eyelashes flutter as if they are two beautiful butterflies about to kiss a flower- 

_**They don't need all that poetry bullshit.**_

Says you.

_**That's right. Continue on without all that flower stuff.**_

I reserve the right to use my own emotions in the telling of this epic scene.

Epic? 

(grumbles) Fine, it isn't epic. It's stupid. But I still reserve the right to tell of this completely ridiculous scene in my own way.

_**Whatever. Don't say I didn't warn you.**_

Sure, Dagonet…Anyway, Horton's eyelashes are fluttering like leaves in the wind, as a fawn leaps, as a damsel swoons-

_**Just get on with it.**_

Aren't we Mr. High and Mighty.

_**Sarcasm will get you nowhere.**_

On Contraire, my good fellow, sarcasm makes the world go round.

_**(Shakes head)**_

Ha. As I return to my narrative, the jig is up. Horton has come out of hibernation. He is now squealing like a wuss. I would have said squealing like a girl, but that is a terrible insult to the whole of the female sex.

_**You said sex.**_

I realize that, Dagonet. Perhaps we could act our age, not our jock size.

**That was uncalled for. Why must we use the same pathetic insults that have been used since the cave man first scratched his ass?**

You may have a point there, Dagonet. We're also a bit behind on the action.

**I'll say. They've already begun their fiendish scheme.**

Hush, Dagonet, the spinning of this tale belongs only to me.

**You better get on with it then.**

(Huff) My "comrades" are currently jabbing Horton with spatulas. Lancelot is laughing manically, as though the world has ended, and he gets the playground all to himself. Galahad seems a bit crazed…I don't believe I've ever seen this side of him before…YOU CAN HIT HIM HARDER GAWAIN! I DON'T THINK HE REALLY HAS FEELINGS. HE'S SIMPLY ONE OF THOSE FILLER CHARACTERS. WE'RE THE IMPORTANT ONES! Ah, well, he never listens to me anyway.

Horton cries out against their cruel tyranny, his shrieks echoing through the clearing. I'm so glad that we aren't worried about the Woads finding us, or anything…

**What did I tell you about sarcasm-**

Shove it, you! So…Horton scrambles away, his neatly manicured hands scraping at the previously immaculate grass. His cries do not reach the heavens, however, and he is dragged quite forcibly back by some rather juvenile and nubile (ooo…that rhymes!) knights.

Tristan holds his spatula at Horton's throat, as though preparing for the kill. A few more seconds pass with Horton fervently (and rather pathetically) appealing to God. Perhaps he should try Mary. She seems to be in more often. But then, Tristan abruptly drops our favorite Clergyman, and goes bounding off into the forest, for reasons that no one is quite sure of. If I was a creative fellow, I would say that he wished to be one with his inner Chi, but I am not a creative fellow.

Horton has not time to relax, as the mighty Bors has come to make his challenge. He approaches the pitiful being on the forest floor waving his spatula threateningly. The crazed knight intones "Are you feelin' lucky punk?" in a rather scratchy tone, borrowing a terribly inappropriate line from a future feature film. I made an alliteration. I am so proud.

I think this has gone far enough. While I have no personal connection with this clergyman, I feel compelled to aid him. It's a damsel in distress sort of reaction, I guess.

**I will now resume the narration, as Arthur has gone off to play peacemaker. This should be fun.**

**Ah, yes, now the knights are attacking Arthur. With his own spatulas. Excuse me while I let out a heartless laugh of mirth-**

**I'm back now. They've given up on Arthur in pity…he wasn't much of a challenge. Arthur is now attempting to reason with them. Idiot. They can't follow that kind of logic! **

**I'll let you in on a little secret. Arthur has issues with confrontation. Seriously. The man can't stand to argue with anyone. Well, not about anything that actually matters. Yes, he can ague about his rights to free expression, as illustrated earlier, but not in a situation like this. Oh, joy.**

**OH MY DEAR MUM! ARTHUR IS DOWN!**

**Sorry, it was a bit of a shock. Arthur has fainted. I honestly don't know why I am surprised. Really. This has happened before. At least it stopped those idiots from continuing their campaign of idiocy. **

**You know, most people don't think I can speak. Like, I'm mute or something. Well, I will have you know I have a quite extensive vocabulary. I even know the word "plethora" beat that, punk.**

**At the moment, I am working on a collection of poetry expressing my inner turmoil and emotional imbalance. I am quite pleased with it, though Bors spilled ale on my last poem, the fat lard. Grr…**

I'm back. They stole my spatulas and will not give them back. I have never felt so helpless and betrayed in all my life.

**Arthur, shouldn't we be moving on? Aren't we supposed to be arriving at that Roman fellow's villa soon?**

You're right, Dagonet, the plot must go on.

**Solain Rhyo**- That feels so weird…though I might not want to know about your bodily functions…thanks for reviewing!

**Your Deadly Shadow**- (I love your penname!) Thanks for the review!

**Hockeystar35**- I do have a deep love of Lancelot…who doesn't!

**Lembaspot**- I like exaggerating characteristics. I wouldn't find this interesting if Lancelot wasn't annoying, if everyone didn't have their own arrogance. I'm glad you're enjoying it, and I hope that continues!

**Mustang Gal**- Perhaps once I've finished some of the other stories I'm working on, I'll do a Bors/Vanora. I love them…they're so cool!

**Fiji-mermaid**- I'm more of a Tristan girl myself, but Lancelot is a close second!

**Realtfarraige**- Tristan is one of those people who you know has analyzed every living soul around him. I love him!

**Katemary77**- sorry…I didn't see your review until I had already posted chapter two! Thanks for reviewing!


	4. Things That Are Fucked Up

**This is pretty short; I wrote it in court the other day…sorry updates are so spotty…I have no time! Agh!**

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_**Diary of the Knight(s)**_

_**Lancelot**_

_I am the only normal one here. I am not exaggerating. Would I do such a thing? No. _

_It was MY idea to attack Horty-torty with spatulas, but now Tristan's trying to take all the glory. Bastard. He couldn't even make the kill; he had to go running of to fuck-knows-where and leaves us all to deal with his mess! AGH! How am I the only one upset with this? Well, Arthur's upset…but that's because Bors completely destroyed his spatula. I don't think you really want to know why. No. You really don't._

**Now, Lancelot, that's not fair. I'm sure Bors just made a mistake. He couldn't really have meant to-**

_That's quite enough. The good people don't want to hear about it._

**I'm just saying…**

_You are saying nothing, Gawain. We have to go talk to that fat ass of a Roman now. I don't like how he's looking at me. It's the look that Tristan gives me._

**What look?**

_The "I want you, you sexy beast" look._

**Oh, that one…**

_You've noticed it too?_

**Well, no, I really don't think Tristan thinks about you that way.**

_Who doesn't think about me that way, eh?_

**Well, I'm pretty sure Vanora doesn't.**

_She's merely lying to herself. Deep down, she knows we are soul mates. She will long for our bodies to become one, for our souls to mate…for my tongue to race down her back-_

**(COVERS EARS IN AGONY) Lancelot! Agh! My virgin ears! Agh! (Faints in distress)**

_I wish I had known it was that easy to get rid of him. I'll have to do that more often. Muh hah hah._

_Ah, but wait…Arthur is having words with this Marius fellow. Watch the hands pal, your wife's here…okay I'll try to get what they're saying…this is paraphrased, bear with me. _

_Arthur's saying "Hey, dude, pack your bags, we're leaving!" and Marius is like "Who the fuck are you?" and Arthur's like "Um…Arthur?" in that apologetic manner of his. Marius slides a leer in my direction and chills come- yes chills. And these aren't sexual chills, mind you, I don't roll that way-_

_**The more you try to deny it, the more we wonder.**_

_You know, Galahad, I wonder about you as well. All that "frolicking" you do…well…he he he…_

_**A good "frolic" might do you good. When was the last time-**_

_We are not having this conversation, Galahad. Look at Gawain. Do you really want to look like him? Because I can make it happen for you too._

_**Aren't those threats rather petty?**_

_Aren't you behaving in a rather OOC manner?_

_**What the fuck is OOC?**_

_I don't know…it sounded like a good idea to say at the time…but that's not the point. Shoo._

_**No, I will not "shoo" I have as much right to write in this diary as you do.**_

_No you don't! It's MY diary. MINE. That means mine._

_**Thank you for clarifying, but you're wrong. If you won't let me have my say, I'll tell Elaine that you wear women's undergarments when you think no one's looking.**_

_(gasp) you wouldn't._

_**I would.**_

_**Hah. He has just fainted like that pussy Gawain. My victory is complete. Now, what should I talk about? My thoughts on love and war? Tristan's addiction to Mary Jane? The growing divide between the sexes? Ah, so many options. But I'd rather just bitch and complain, as is my custom.**_

_**You know, some day, I will write a book. It will be called "THINGS THAT ARE FUCKED UP" and I will explain things that are fucked up. I think it is a very ingenious and clever title. Here is my table of contents so far…**_

_**THINGS THAT ARE FUCKED UP**_

_**By: Galahad**_

_**Chapter 1:Being the "young" one**_

_**Chapter 2: Having a sex life, but not being able to talk about it**_

_**Chapter 3: Lancelot**_

_**Chapter 4: Guppies**_

_**Chapter 5: Fucking Romans (literally)**_

_**Chapter 6: The KKK (Learn how to spell, and then I might perhaps forget to stab you) (But wait…the KKK isn't even in existence yet…fuck.)**_

_**Chapter 7: Finding your inner Chi (I mean, what is that?)**_

_**Chapter 8: The socio-economic status of garden gnomes**_

_**I'll add more to the list as I think of them, but that is my primary draft. While I've never though of myself as a scholarly man, I cannot wait to begin my manifesto. It will truly be brilliant. Now, all I have to wait for is Gutenberg to invent his printing press, to ensure wide circulation of my ideas. I'll be waiting a fuckin' long time for that…Wait; I'll add it to the list**_

_**Chapter 9: Having to wait for over a thousand years to publish this book**_

_**There. It has now been added. Well, I suppose my audience has missed out on all the action, though it really isn't as important as my book. For a recap, I will simply give you the breakdown without all that shitty commentary that Lancelot seems to enjoy…Arthur received a verbal lashing, and Dagonet finally had to appear rather menacing. Needless to say, Marius backed down. His wife is a fox. We might have to go for a bit of a "frolic" eh?**_

Ew. She's so old!

_**Who asked you, Bors?**_

Simply by breathing, you ask me.

_**Wow, that was rather poetic.**_

Vanora says I have to work on my "sensitivity," whatever that means.

_**Women.**_

What would you know about it, flower boy?

_**Who are you calling "flower boy", pig boy?**_

_My, we are creative_.

_**Lancelot, I told you to leave. Elaine will hear of this.**_

_Elaine doesn't even know you._

_**(Grins) oh, really?**_

_I don't like your tone, boy._

_**NOW who's creative?**_

_Well, certainly not Dagonet. Knocking down doors with battle-axes is so last season._

Why do you suppose he's doing that?

_It's a Dagonet mystery. It's best not to ask what he gets up to._

_**True dat.**_

_What is it with you and 21st Century gangsta bullshit?_

_**It's a sign of the times…**_

_No it isn't! Now they'll think we didn't do our research! You're making us all look bad!_

I think we should follow them into the cave of wonders.

_The cave of WHAT?_

I don't know…

_You are so full of shit._

_**Shut up, Lancelot. There is no doubt some maiden in need of rescue.**_

_How would you know?_

_**That's how these things work. What kind of a plotline would we have if there weren't a maiden longing for our presence?**_

True dat.

_AGH! Now you have Bors corrupted too!_

_**Isn't it beautiful?**_

_NNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

* * *

_

**Review, and let me know what sucks…or what we can add to "Things that are fucked up"

* * *

****Captain Black Athena**- Right then!

**Haylz**- They will all have their time in the sun. I'm even thinking of letting Jols record the lake scene!

**Scorpian**- It's one of those manly bonding things…And it amuses me!

**Silver Magiccraft**- I always had a soft spot for Daggy-baby.

**Lembaspot**- Arthur is more of a "metro-sexual" My favorite threat is the whole "I'll beat you-WITH A SPATULA! Muh Hah Hah!" it is generally most effective.

**MonDieu666**- I actually don't' like pancakes all that much…I'm more of a waffle fan…I know! I'm so weird!

**Fiji-mermaid**- Arthur isn't really up on his French. Consequently, neither am I. Plethora is awesome. When I discovered it in the acclaimed film "The Three Amigos" It simply had me at hello. I hope you didn't have a hang over…good luck with school!

**Mustang Gal**- Daggy-baby is the greatest!

**Realtfarraige**- Yes, they are rather incompetent…but so much fun!

**Mazoku no Kime-sama**- Thanks!

**Solain Rhyo**- I'm glad you're enjoying it!


	5. The Great Lingerie Fiasco

This is a very short little piece, but as Halloween is my favorite holiday, I really wanted to update. Been a while, eh? It's a long story involving siblings, marriages, births, deaths, and realizing that my life sucks, and that my computer wants to eat my soul, but I'm okay with that. I hope some of you are still reading this! I love you all!

* * *

Shit happens.

I am not the fellow to discover this, nor will I be the last. When Dagonet started wailing on the wall (Wailing wall, that's clever…not) I was assuming that we might find some sort of weird voodoo temple, something that a good upstanding Christian like Marius (or whatever his name is) wouldn't want found. Well, I was right about something. He really didn't want it found.

You're probably wondering what "it" was, and why I am missing my usual brand of sparkling wit. I'm nearly fucking speechless, that's why.

But, as to the other…well…

**OOOOO! Can I tell? Pretty Please?**

Shut up, you ninny! I'm trying to be angsty and suspenseful here! Gah! Just go away Gawain!

**One day, Lancelot, you will realize that you cannot keep shutting me out. You will let me into your heart when that day comes, my love! (Swoons dramatically)**

Thank (unknown deity) he's gone. A weird bird, that one. A bit skewed. Scratch that. A LOT skewed. So, anyway, to carry on with my dramatic interpretation…

The door finally gave way, and we found ourselves in a pleasantly lit corridor, the sound of minstrel music in our ears. That was distinctly unsettling; in it's own way. It wasn't at all pleasant. It was something about being walled up by "the greatest lover of all" and the inevitable heartbreak that follows. We descended the stairs, careful not to trip over the Oriental rug.

It was then that we saw her. Steam rising from the bath, her cheeks rosy, her bosom swelling…well you get the picture. The usual damsel entrance. God forbid we be struck by her supreme awkwardness, or anything…

_You're just jealous that no one refers to your breasts as "orbs" Lancelot._

People! I'm trying to tell the story! My artistic soul can only take so much!

_I'm a much better storyteller anyway, Lancybaby. Just ask Elaine._

Galahad, I haven't eh faintest idea of what you're on about.

Be silent all of you. I will tell. It is my right. I knocked the door down BOOM with my axe.

Wow. That was descriptive Dagonet. I appreciate the sound effects.

_It really wouldn't be the same without them._

_CLANG_

Ah. That's better. They're heads will never be the same (devious chuckle)

To be getting on with it, Arthur found a hot chick in the bath. She had the look of a kept woman, oblivious, wide-eyed, trusting. That never lasted long, so I figure she was new- and hadn't yet realized she had been walled in with a really depressing minstrel. I think Arthur was struck dumb. He said something stupid like "gwap…fah…gah…" I'm sure this was meant to be some sort of dignified utterance. It was not to be.

To make a long story short, the bewildered damsel gleefully jumped from her bath and embraced him, making the situation all the more awkward. 

Women.

Dagonet? What happened? What's going on? (THUNK)

Much better. This is depressing me now. I'm going to go brood morosely.

_This little book is soooooo cuuuuuuuuuute! Gosh, who knew my knights in lackluster armor would be sooooooooo entertaining. Gee, I wish I could be just like them, but preferably with breasts and revealing outfits. _

_They told me that Mari-wari bricked up our little love shack, but that can't be right! Mari-bear Luuuuuuuuuuves me! There must be some explanation. He must have put me there to keep me safe…yes, that's it!_

_Oh, there's that knight with the pretty braids and the pretty hawk! I'll bet he'll be my friend!_

_**THWACK**_

_**Annoying chit. I should have done that earlier. She's much more pleasant while unconscious. She has a ridiculous amount of possessions for one so dim. Look at these underthings, for instance…who could possibly need this many? Oooh. This one's rather kinky…**_

_Finally! Someone realized what Lancelot truly is!_

_The peasants are a superstitious lot who have plenty of rituals and ceremonies to get them through the year without being blasted by a bolt of thunder, or whatever. One of these feast days is all Hallows Eve, which happens to be tonight. Something about that harvesting deal. I know it has something to do with bananas, or perhaps gourds. Anyway, the little one's have taken to wearing ghoulish costumes to scare away, well, the ghouls. But my favorite by far is Tristan._

_I will remember this day for the rest of my life. Here we are, minding our own business, when we hear a rustling. In bounds Tristan, clad only in women's undergarments, scowl suspiciously missing from his face. His arms are twittering about his head as he cries, leaping through the air _

"_For I am Lancelot, the Fair! My locks are clean, my face is shining! I think pink is super sexy, and enjoy long soothing bubble baths! All see me and sigh at my great feminine beauty!"_

_It didn't take long for Lancelot to awaken from his stupor, and sprint after Tristan, who simply refused to be caught. He used all the maneuvering techniques in his memory, and eluded our pretty brother for quite some time. I don't think that twit will ever get her possessions back, though I don't really care. I'm sure they look better on Tristan anyway.

* * *

Hunting4max- Thanks! I'm sorry it's so confusing! I try to give cues as to who's speaking, though it doesn't always work…_

Daydream1- I'm glad! Points for using "nifty"

Wookie-woman- Woohoo! Thanks!

Gargoyle with a Smile- Thankyou!

Lancelottristanbaby- Some Tristan in lingerie for you!

MyDearDelirious- I like the schoolgirl description. Nice work!

Calliope Foster- Only a little bit of Gawain in this chapter, but I do love him!

Lembaspot- Well, I'm glad you had a cola high to keep you busy, though perhaps not busy enough…sorry!

Mazoku no Hime-sama- I'm glad!

Mustang Gal- Chocolate stealers should be shot. Especially refrigerated chocolate stealers. Curses to them and their kin!

Realtfarraige- it's sort of a combination of the both. It's really hard to describe, so I'm not even going to try. I firmly believe that garden gnomes will one day grow dissatisfied with their place in life and finally take over the eastern seaboard and re-christen it "Gnomania" but that's just me.

Aelia O'Hession- I like giving him more words in interesting and descriptive prose. It's a nice contrast!

Etraya- I certainly shall, though the time between updates is anyone's guess

Silver Magiccraft- I will see what can be done for the mermaids. Though you never know- Arthur and G could get married in a disco for all we know.

MonDieu666- I know! I'm a shame to pancake lovers everywhere! IHOP won't let me in!


	6. The Dance Off, and Other Adventures

Lancelot

I cannot bear her presence any longer. If she pinches my cheek and proclaims that I am "soooooooooo cuuuuuuuuute!" one more time, I will flay her.

Never has a woman annoyed me on this level; or any man, for that matter. She must be a dream, a horrible dream. She cannot be real.

Arthur is trying to make us be nice to her. He actually said that if she asks for a piggy back ride, we should oblige. Who does he think he's kidding? When she asked Tristan if she could pet his "Pretty Hawk" he flicked her forehead so hard she fell backward and hit her head on a fallen log. This was one of the few times I was actually glad to have Tristan around. Not that I have forgotten the Infamous Lingerie Incident. She didn't wake up for five hours after that. Five blissful hours. Ah.

They are over now. I don't know how much more of this I can take…Oh goody! Ice skating!

_Oh. My. Lancelot has run off in his excitement and left this. This is a great responsibility! He must trust me! He must love me! ME! Jols, the lowly manservant! I have been waiting for this moment my entire life! Almost._

_Oh, he is graceful. Look how he twists and turns on the inhospitable ice. He and Arthur move so well together…_

_Oh, no! Saxons are coming right at us! How come no one heard those drums? They deem excessively loud now, I mean we can totally see them now. What drama queens._

_They seem upset. I don't really know why, I mean what has Arthur ever done to them, but what ever._

_Oh no! It looks like there will be an altercation! Where can I hide? This tree looks nice…That's better. But, my fair Lancelot is still out there._

_I was afraid it would come to this. The strange man with the bad facial hair has challenged the knights to a dance off! What if he has some wicked sweet Saxon dance moves up his muddy sleeves? And how will we choose who will dance for our side? There are so many choices-_

_Arthur- This man does some mean ballet, but perhaps swing dancing would be more appropriate for this slippery setting._

_Lancelot the Fair- Does a mean tango. But you know what they say…_

_Galahad- mostly frolics. Not sure he would be the best choice._

_Bors- A lot of ghetto dancing. Most unpleasant to see his belly move about in that manner._

_Gawain- Mostly interpretive in nature. He likes his dancing to "mean something" emotionally._

_Dagonet- God help us._

_Tristan-? Who knows what that man gets up to?_

_Well, they've made their decision, and it appears to be…Tristan? What? What can they be thinking? The man considers brooding a sport, not a hobby, what could he possibly do to make sure that we win this dance off?_

**OOOOOOOOHhhhhhhhh Jolsibear! What are you doing up in a tree? You'll miss all the action between the hygienically challenged foes!**

**Oh look, Jolsibum has fallen out of the tree. How clumsy of him! LOL!**

**Apparently the little Saxon fellow with the rather ill advised beard braid thing will represent the Saxon's in the dance off. Tristan is Soooooooooooooooooooooooooooo sweet to be taking that dude on, I wouldn't want to get near him, I can smell the stench from here! I suppose I should get closer so I know what's going on. It's hard to hear from this tree! Silly Jolsibaby!**

**So, the Saxon Dude is like "You're goin' down, you braided freak!" to Tristan, and Tristans like silence So then my minstrel dude (whom I refer to as "Enrique") begins the music, and the like battle begins. It was sooooooooo cool!**

**First, the Saxon dude was doing all these weird hand motions that made him look like he was trying to signal that he was, like, going to be sick or something. Tristan just kind of smirked at him, which makes his tattoos look soooooooooo cute!**

**Finally the Saxon stepped back to give Tristan his turn. Let me just say, WOAH! I mean, who would have thought Tristan would be so good at booty dancing? I mean, it was like, amazing. He totally blew them away. He even threw in some belly dancing, and that settled it. The Saxon's blowed in submission, and we made a hasty retreat. Oh, and look! Tristan's coming over here! I bet he wants a hug!**

THWACK

Idiot wench. Well, that was fun. It's not every day that I get to see Lancelot that shocked. I must admit I enjoyed that a great deal. Who knew my years in that Indian traveling circus would pay off at this level? I should have stretched before. It would have been nice if it had been warmer too. It was pretty friggin' cold without a shirt.

_**WOW! THAT WAS SO WONDERFUL!**_

Go away Gawain. You are intruding upon my happy time.

**_BUT…._**

THWACK

If you haven't tried it, a flick to the forehead will solve most of life's problems. Just a tip.

_Bors here. I have just witnessed a strange sight. Lancelot came up to Tristan looking kind of strange. He said he had to talk to him about something. Tristan said "Okay, talk." But Lancelot didn't talk. He grabbed Tristan and pulled him into the woods. They were in there for 6 hours, and when they came back, Lancelot's hair was all mussed and Tristan was smirking. I have no idea what happened, and I don't want to. Well, maybe I don't have to worry about Lancelot stealing Vanora anymore._

_

* * *

_

I know it's been awhile, and I am a terrible person for waiting so long to update, but things have been odd lately. I remembered why I like writing so much and decided, screw it. I don't care if my writing sucks now. I'm going to do it anyway. So there. Review if you feel like it. I appreciate anything you have to say, even if it's "Wow. This sucks" you would probably be right!


	7. Lancelot Goes Corporate

Let me know what I can fix! I do want to know!

Lancelot

No. Nothing is wrong. I didn't do anything. Nothing.

**What are you talking about? You always do something. Fiend.**

What would you know about it, Galahad? Your facial hair is pathetic! My beardish thing is, of course, brilliant. You'll end up balding in your thirties. Muh ha ha!

Galahad has now gone off to sulk. I love it when that happens. It's always so much more peaceful. I suppose you want to know what happened in the woods with, you know, that Tristan fellow. Nothing, that's what. Nothing.

_Vanora's pregnant again. You wouldn't know anything about that, would you Lance my boy?_

Ah, finally facing facts, eh. I know everything. I deserve my own mountaintop. I'm sure Vanora'd agree. (Seductive Grin)

_Whatever. I was going to ask your opinion…Should I name this one? I mean, I know it's a big step. I'd have to remember it. And then they'd expect me to remember their birthday. I might even have to spring for a friggin' present. I mean, what's with this- this responsibility thing? It's hard!_

Perhaps you should just stick with numbers. Or perhaps you could consider naming them all Eduardo. I think it's a rather charming name. You'd only have to remember the one.

_True. But I think I'd prefer Eliza. It's prettier._

So? Eduardo sounds quite dashing. What if they enter the business world at some point? Who's going to hire a guy named "Eliza"? At least a girl named "Eduardo" could pretend to be a guy pretty easily. It may even help her climb the corporate ladder.

_Wow. I never thought you put that much thought into these things. _

I'm pretty deep. I also have my own corporate dreams.

_Don't tell Gawain. It might kill him- well then, perhaps you should._

HEY GAWAIN! I THINK WE SHOULD CUT DOWN ALL THE TREES AND PUNCH A HOLE IN THE OZONE LAYER FOR OUR OWN PERSONAL GAIN!

Gasp (faints and falls off horse)

That was fun. Good thinking Bors.

_I do what I can._

Wow. I've never felt such a deep respect for the brute. How strange. I hope we won't sing kumbaya. That would just be creepy.

**_We have to talk_**.

About what? You don't talk. We don't talk. There is not talking. None.

**_We talk_**.

I have not idea what you're talking about. Go and scout, you strange man.

_**No.**_

Humph. Fine. Then I will.

_**And he says I'm strange.**_

Where did Lancelot go?

_**He went off to join the circus, Gawain. He's going to train seals.**_

Oh, good. I don't have to persuade him not to join a corporation. I don't think I could handle that. But circuses are cool!

_**You are and idiot.**_

That's so sweet! I know you don't mean it.

**Oh, but I do. And I was lying. Lancelot left to seek a job at Exxon. He's going to spill oil all over the seals. Muh. Hah. Hah.**

Cries out in Anguish and promptly faints.

**That boy will have brain damage one day. It's probably already started. (Chuckles manically)**

**I think we should play truth or dare.**

**Arthur. No. Absolutely not.**

**It'll be fun!**

**No. It will be horrendous. It will not BE. **

**Oh, but it will.**

_**Gah!**_


End file.
